Posts tagged: pain
No matter how happy I am,
There’s still this longing for something I once knew.
A brightness that was extinguished just as swiftly as it was created-
Oh how I yearn for those summer nights where we were just as bright shooting stars we caught glimpses of.
In the silence of the pitch I know it’ll never be again-
But the warmth that I feel from those memories is worth the pain.
I called my friend Ashley the other day. We’ve known each other since we were in elementary school. We don’t talk as often as we used to, for a variety of reasons. Then she texted me yesterday and we were talking about everything that’s going on in my life and I said something to her ans she replied “You’ve always been the optimist.” She’s right. I have always been. Always looking for the good in a person or the situation.
But I am so lost. So scared. And so hurt that I don’t know anymore. It hit me tuesday night that I am graduating this decemeber. I have to figure out a job, grad school, moving out. All at once. I am scared as hell. Not to mention transitioning.
I’m sitting in the Student Center right now just thinking and I’m so lost in thought. I want to cry, fall asleep, then not wake up. I dont want to deal with reality. At all. It bites. School sucks. Time sucks.
Life just really sucks right now and all I want to do is not to exist just for a short time. Just exist long enough for things not to suck anymore. That’s what I really want out of life. Is that so much to ask?
Tomorrow is a new day. I will wake up. I will be alive, even if only by the definition of the word.
Tomorrow starts my next part of me. Or a continuation of the previous chapter, just minus a character for now. Taking some money out of the bank to put towards myself and things I need to buy. Time to stop making excuses and running from myself.
You taught me that. I can’t run from myself if I want to work on myself. So, I will work on myself as much as I can and as hard as I can.
Yes, I’m hurting. But I refuse to think of this as an end. Just a horribly placed intermission because there was a malfunction in the lighting. The tech’s are working on the problem. It’s how I’m going to get through the day right now.
Also, naps mean I don’t sleep at the time I want to.
Going and having a tattoo consultation sometime within the next week and a half and Tyler is going with me. I deserve it. Like really bad.
Can someone let me do this to them?
That’d be really nice.
I do not like being woken up at 6 am by cramps that hurt worse than normal.
Ugh. I can deal with cramps, but not this bad. I’m honestly just waiting for the pain medicine to start working so I can sleep. But I don’t know how long that’s going to be. And I hurt. Really bad. Like horrendously bad.
And I’m tired. So right now I’m really fucking cranky from being awake at 6am after falling asleep around 1am and the fact I was woken up by the fucking intense pain.
Oh, and I have heartburn. Fun.
I just wanna go back to sleep.
I’m done.
I should have seen this coming, I shouldn’t have fallen for you, I really fucking should have just stayed where I was.
You always say that I’m too uptight, but, in my head I have so many dreams and wishes that will never come true. But I have them anyway, because I can. And now I’ll never have you the way I want to.
Why do nice guys finish last?
I guess this is what I get for binding everyday for the past 6months?
And for almost two years….
Fml.
I saw the Van today. Then I saw your Dad. I don’t know if you saw me, but, seeing on how it’s the Hebron Renn Fair I’m guessing you did see me after all.
I almost broke down right there, knowing that you were in the car not even a half mile away from me. Knowing that I could run up to you, hug you, do anything make the pain stop.
But then I told Jackie, who, reminded me that it’s okay.
That I don’t need you, no matter how much it hurts not to hold you.
Though, that doesn’t keep me from wondering how you’re doing. How seeing me freaked you out. How, much pain you’re in.
It just makes me wonder…
